The Annals of Road Warden Raader Daan’Jikh: 

Don’t know why they’re wanting me to keep this log book of all that we've done or haven’t done as the case may well be, but I’m in their employment and as the ol’ Madam put it, “when you’re owned you gotta do what ya gotta do…”  At least my terms of service are voluntary…   

Let’s see, we got a bit of money for finding out about all of the issues with the Merchants and all of the goings on between Braern and Smithton.  Seems that a thug was hired to act as a go-between for a male Drow of extraordinary prowess and Barron Kessig, along with being the middle man for the Northern Hordes of Humans, along with the false orders being passed to the rest of the Road Wardens out there, and let me tell you, I’m feeling mighty lonely in this line of work.  At least that part got hopelessly fouled up.  The other bit of dumb luck from the encounter with this new adventuring group consisting of a pair of halflings (both male), an elf (male) and a human (male) was that we were successful in saving the life of Skoalie of the Agnar Mines, who was the sole survivor of the massacre.  Seems that the Drow was leading a group of salamander/lizardfolk in trying to pillage the mines for their own ends and here I was thinking that Drow were just a scary, bed time story…  Yeesh!  Gotta say, this encounter still sends my hackles rising; it was the ghostly way he glided around us and the fact that we couldn’t even raise our various weaponry to hurt him.  Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Our new friend, Barron Kessig is trying to secede away from the Kingdom of Astur and/or take over the kingdom; whichever is militarily easier for him to do.  He’s been placing his troops/armies all over Smithton and Braern, not to mention the ties we recently found to his hiring the Northern Barbarians to tie up those armies of the faithful and, of course, the Road Wardens in King Astur’s service.  What’s a poor gnoll to do?   It’s not like the other Road Wardens, and there really aren’t that many of us any more, not with all of the recent outbreaks and other nastiness going on and the humans being unfriendly and all, did I mention that I was feeling mighty lonely?  At least I have my thoughts of Syaulii to keep me warm on nights like this one.

After a very lack-luster meeting with the Head Road Warden Barrosh, and then getting Skoalie to do a little talking about what had happened at his mines to the east, we got a little bit better response from Barrosh (guess that Skoalie had to be there to “help” Barrosh remember what was what) and then off on another damn fool mission.  Dwarves are bad enough with how they treat outsiders, but having one in charge of you is worse than having your local hetman all bristled up with your tail in his mouth!  But see, I can tell you why; it’s because their females run ‘em totally ragged.  First of all, it isn’t always true about the females having beards, some of them do, and some of them don’t.  It’s also a slight exaggeration about them being the more fair of the species.  They are actually more whiny, more obnoxious, more presumptuous and stubborn than their male counterparts.  It’s also why most of the males are gay, or asexual, too.   Then there’s that thing about not knowing what it is that they (the females) are wanting when they’re in bed, all aggressive off the bed, but get ‘em on one, and it’s all timid and then they just lay there not doin’ no damn thing!  What?  Oh yeah, gotta get back to the log book…

            Now here’s something I didn’t know about, seems that the first King Astur lived over 120 years?!?!  I tell ya, good hygiene skills and anyone’ll live forever, even humans!  Now, his son’s at 90 years or so and is apparently still in decent health.  My case is really made, again; just don’t get it why others out there haven’t figured this one out. 

            Didn’t get any real information out of Skoalie concerning what we were to be doing and what we’d be finding there in recovering the King’s (deceased father’s) sword at what was left of the Agnar mines, with the exception of the entrance in vague terms...  Did I mention that Dwarves can only think of one thing and that’s greed?  Did I mention that they’ve no sense of any form of hygiene, let alone dental, which is nearly the most important of the bunch!  After all, if you can’t eat, you can’t keep on going with life can you.  Personally, I say the same thing about love making, but I’ve not been able (or willing) to prove what happens with a deprivation of sweet lovin’.  Certainly don’t have much in the way of common sense or imagination.  Brutality, over aggressiveness (with the aforementioned exception) and a superiority/inferiority complex that is enough to drive any other race to distraction seem to be the positive traits.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a few good ones out there, and even a few more that I’ve called friend, but to say that I was the only one with mis-givings of this mission would be a lie, but a job’s a job; thinking that I should get back into workin’ for ol’ Mickie One-Eye at his Inn and Pub or for Madam Chuse…

            Have some new and old companions for this journey; Harrow, our erstwhile young male halfling priest to Lord Bacchus.  Like his master, he is a little moody, but generally good company, though he really needs a little more cleaning up to get him really presentable to the females of his kind.  At least he’s listening about using some dentak root in order to clean his teeth in the mornings.  Still haven’t sussed out what keeps this one so depressed all the time, guess it’s the hang-over and the fact that he’s as good as repellant when looking for a little feminine companionship…

            Lauren is another male Halfling and he’s actually a pretty good little story teller and can keep a tune, just don’t ask him to take it, ‘cos he will!  Very flighty, but at least he’s semi-reliable as to what he’ll do in a fight.  He’s just totally lacking in common sense and very spunky.  This one reminds me of a few of the females of his race, very sneaky, very fun-loving and very in your face and persnickety.  And no, I have not ever done anything with a Halfling female, they’re too much like kids and you really can’t tell how old they are until they’re getting on in years anyway…  Now, the one trait that these two lack, very much to my amazement, is that they can’t cook to save their souls!  I know, who’d have thought that their respective parents would’ve let them out of their burrows?!?!  My mother would’ve chopped my balls off if I’d been as lacking just because of the shame of having such a worthless son. Damn!

            We’ve got us a real surly one of an elf, not sure of what tribe he’s from, though I can easily say that he’s not from the Irith Woods.  Calls himself D’arkkyn, though that doesn’t sound very elvish, apparently it is.  Keeps to himself and doesn’t talk much at all.  Do know that he’s very no-nonsense and aggressive.

            So we’re not being considered sexist (I know, who’d have thought that Astur would be subject to such laws, but we are a fairly moderne, equal opportunity society and now everone’s getting’ rights and even a few lefts, too) the token female human, Moiyar, … she’s some type of Magic User, though I couldn’t really tell you what she is capable of.  She is very into her crow, and no, not that way!  Found out that she calls it, “Brandywine.”  This is yet another human woman who could really be something to look at and talk to, but damn, it’s that breath kickin’ worse’n a mule.  No fashion sense at all, either.  A bit of a stick in the mud, but at least she’s a little easier to please come supper and lunchtime.  Didn’t go and waste a good pot of gazpacho like the rest of the party, complainin’ that it was too hot and spicey!  Don’t these bumpkins know how expensive good pepper is?  Damn!  That was a rhetorical question...

            Whoa, after a few days of being on the road and while following the directions of good, ol’ Skoalie Dwarf we actually ran into a pair of Ettain, or so Lauren called ‘em.  I thought they were some weird mutant giant thing, myself, havin’ two heads an’ all.  Gotta say, the do pack a whallop, but thankfully, those arrows that I was able to get out of my pinch ha-penny superior officer seem to work rather nicely.  Have to buy him a few drinks for it, too, … maybe even whip him up a batch of Salisbury Steak and Mashed Potatoes, though I’ll have to go easy on the spices for the string beans, as I know he can’t take anything other than child flavoured, at least that’s what I’ve been told I can spice to the last time I had to cook for the company... 

Haven’t had much of a chance to do any writing with all that’s been going on…

Started the day, apparently after we got out of some bazaar that was being run by a group of drow elves, still can’t believe that those are around; thought that they were a myth/ghost story, but I’m really beginning to learn that such things are closer to fact, if not exaggerations of fact.  Well, what can I say, got back with the party after a quick soirée with a pair of delectable females of the race.  All I can say about it is, whoa…  I’ll be back next millennium, hopefully without any bedsores or gifts that keep on giving…  Did learn that they are in some severe need of sweet loving, no whips, no chains, webs or other stuff!  Glad I was able to please those two, Yvornlae and Mikta, who knows might even get away from playing with sharp objects while in bed, too…  Hey, I can hope, can’t I?

Beat some feet back to the rest of the party and found that they’d felled quite a few orcs, now if you want to talk about smelly and dirty, not that I’ve been there, mind you!  Seems that Lauren had succeeded in charming one of the orcs, glad to see that he’s been listening to ol’ Uncle Silver Tooth Jik and isn’t so quick with the dagger!  Well, we ended up traveling more and more through the volcano and guess what, it wasn’t so sleepy!  Damn dwarves got no sense of taste and definitely nothing remotely to common sense either, sending us into a damn active volcano to go search for some sword for the King, when they knew what the hell was in here!  Found ourselves fighting yet more undead critters wasn’t bad enough that we had the vine run zombies when we found the “secret entrance.”  Dwarven intelligence and information, makes a fella want to swear and curse up a storm, let me tell you!  Well, found out that Lauren is not only light with the fingers and has the common sense of a dead frog, and he really needs to learn a few lessons concerning what to do to help people out in a fight, at least no one died this time…  Glad that the other Road Wardens aren’t watching this debacle, sheesh.  At least Moiyar didn’t get her bird torn apart, shot up or otherwise, really have to worry about her and the way that she orders her animal friends around.  This is what happens when you’re frustrated in that way, … I tell you!

The mummies were really nasty and left me feeling really badly afterwards, just drained, you know?  The ones before, think Harrow called them Wights, they weren’t quite as tough, but let me tell you, seemed like everyone else was having a majour time with them, guess it’s that different strokes for different folks, kinda thing…  Got lucky in both instances that I was able to get Lauren to let me borrow his sword in both fights, good thing to, Road Warden (Sub-) Standard issue just doesn’t cut it, at all! 

After all of that, we ended up finding another trap, this time, Moiyar didn’t get diced up in it, and thankfully we were able to use our heads when dealing with the large bugs with tentacles coming out of the front of their heads.  Apparently the tentacles have a paralytic poison/magic to them, thankfully, I wasn’t a test subject for that one; that was Harrow’s and Lauren’s job.  Smushed two of the bugs that were the size of large dogs with the trap falling (stone) door.  Though what was on the end of one of the burrowed tunnels was enough to make all but Harrow and I run with fear.  It’s not that I wasn’t afraid or shaking in my boots, but I could pick up on the “hurt woman” vibe coming from the White Dragon (called herself Ikthiir) with whom I chatted.  Seemed that she wasn’t too thrilled about extending her life, by knowing how to keep her teeth clean, but you know…  Unfortunately, Harrow was coming down with a case of frost bite, so it wasn’t like I was able to really try and get to know her better.  In that reptilian kind of way she wasn’t bad, but she was seriously needin’ some dentak root in order to fix that breath that was kickin’ like a super gigantic mule!  Damn! 

Oh well, she made us a deal about getting rid of a group of gnolls up top that were using fire to try and free some demon.  Not that I’m for killing my kin, mind you, but I definitely don’t dig it when they’s trying to let something else into this world, especially if its related to a lawyer like this critter was.  Also didn’t dig getting the fifth degree from Moiyar concerning what Ikthiir and I was talkin’ ‘bout, considering how rude she and the rest of the party was…  I’m tellin’ you, if I could’ve had a few minutes with all of their parents, damn…  At least we weren’t going to have to worry about the bugs, ‘cos Ikthiir killed the ones that we had chased down her tunnels; called ‘em Carrion Crawlers.

Thankfully, the rest of the party went in and played in the mucus lair of the bugs, I was just there to help pull them out (had to go a few times into her tunnel and borrow a bit of ice and turn it to water to wash myself off.)  Still not understanding why the rest of this party likes to be covered in muck and grime all the time, especially D’arkkyn, him bein’ an elf and all.  Guess it’s his bein’ a kid…  At least I was able to get Harrow to finally clean himself up more than once a week.  Now, Lauren, he is pretty clean, but the boy jus’ don’ pay no attention, though his heart’s in the right place. 

Stopped for the night, or what we thought was night, considering that we were inside an ACTIVE VOLCANO and couldn’t see the sky!  Harrow ‘n’ I weren’t feeling too good, but as they say, “onward and forward.”  Ended up going into another room with lots of really nasty traps, a lightning bolt projector and then something that turned D’arkkyn into a Dwarf after leaving him turned into stone and no, not in a good way!  Had me really worried ‘cos it was looking like I’d have to carry him down to the bazaar and both Y.’s and M.’s mommies weren’t too terribly pleased with me not being with them beforehand or some other strange Drow custom.  Was a bit worried that I’d break something off on the way, too, but instead the D’arkkyn statue shivered and shook and there he was, a Dwarf!  Really spooky, too!  Good thing that I was watching everyone’s backs and was facing the other way when he set that particular trap off. 

After a goodly rest period and some time to get used to our changed ranks we ventured up another set of stairs (I’m telling you, Dwarven architecture left me feeling that all of the stories I’ve heard was a bunch of drunken talk) and some more tunnels and even more stairs we came out of the mouth of the volcano and ran into 30 gnolls, who were trying to burn away at the ice encased demon (I saw the rider’s satchel over the demon’s shoulder with the three most terrible letters upon them.  Outside of this cursory description, I can’t ever repeat such a horror as it was terrifying beyond all description) with a great sword in one outstretched claw.  Now, I’m not one for being rigid with law and lady luck, but I got’s to tell you, when two small white dragons start attacking the gnolls while we’re getting ready to attack said gnolls, I just gotta look up and mutter the matra, “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Oscar?”  After a quick “fudge it” followed by D’arkkyn racing ahead, with a Kunk following not too far behind, and me having to play footsie with Moiyar, Lauren and Harrow in order to make sure that no one got gobbled up by my kinfolk.  Oh yeah, got to meet this Kunk gnome person that everyone’s been telling me about.  Lots of spunk, lots of power, but he’s really missing it in the ol’ brain pan.  I’m think that he’s trying to get to know his deity that much better and well, he’s apparently been to talk to his diety a few times before I had the pleasure of meeting him, if you know what I mean...

I digress, ended up “winning” the battle with the demon-raising gnolls, only to have the demon with sword disappear on us, the white dragons get all beaten up and fly away screaming (though Moiyar at no time cast a fireball at the white dragons, directly though she did shoot a pair of fireballs nearby).  Oh well, “nothin’s easy, it’s no time for worryin’ my friend.  Just take my life’s problems and throw ‘em all away.  Nothin’s easy…” 

            Collected as many of the gnoll’s heads as we could (grisly work, however, it does keep them from being raised up by a local hetman and used as an army) and then went back down through the Volcano and into Ikthiir’s lair.  Once again, everyone ran away from her.  Still believe that this is what pissed her off later on, and most definitely didn’t help her self esteem.  After all, how’d you feel if everyone who comes a-callin’ just runs away?  Damn bad manners get you killed every time.  Well, ended up chatting with her for a bit, and then she asked me to go and fetch the rest of the party.  Have I ever described her lair?  Check it out; she had an entire cave that was encased/covered by ice.  Even my breath was misting out, with that minty freshness, I’m so famous for.  Thankfully, those boots that Helganna made for me during my stay with her came in seriously handy; kept me from busting my ass, or lookin’ foolish, again, like the rest of the party.  Style is very important for that first impression with big and NASTY critters with a hint of an intelligence quotient.  Even got to use a 3 silver word, there.  Thank you, again, Syaulii for bein’ there an’ teachin’ me such things.  Sigh, … had to have a private moment there.  Actually, wasn’t too bad a place to live, a bit chilly for my own personal taste, but then again the Ice Queen didn’t seem like the type who was actually tryin’ to impress anyone.  Seems that she would freeze everything into the walls, and let’s just say that it took a long time to … appropriate all of the treasure we were able to find scattered ALL OVER her caves.  Wasn’t too pleased that she decided to have an exit that lead to sheer drop that was well over 100 yards before there was any slope.

Ended up, that we had succeeded, well, Moiyar had actually succeeded in killing off her two children; Ikthiir did mention that she did NOT like fire/heat in the slightest!  Ikthiir got all pissed off once Moiyar came into her cave and was ranting about how a female human mage slew her two children with a pair of fireballs.  What was that I was telling the party?  Wasn’t too pleased that Ikthiir tried to eat me, and not even in a nice way.  You have to ask, why does everyone always pick on the Road Warden?  Just because I keep the highways safe and do some tax collecting from time to time, does not mean that I’m a bad gnoll, damn it!

Harrow and Kunk once again got themselves separated from their bodies and spirits respectively.  Then again with a few tons of dragon falling upon you, there isn’t much else that’s going to happen.  Moiyar, it seems, is into divination and was able to find that the sword we’ve been sent to retrieve was in the hands of some Yeti.  She saw one kill another with it, rather easily, or at least that’s how she described it to the rest of us.  Took Ikthiir’s four canine teeth for later use, not quite sure what it is that I want to do with them, but I’ll think of something, shortswords or so is what’s coming to my mind…  Ooooh, along with a damn hot meal, too!

Ended up having to pool what few funds we had left, along with the new found treasure and went back down to the bazaar.  Couldn’t find Yvornlae and Mikta the first night/day there, but we did track down a Drow Priestess of Lloth, whose name is, Lleuen, who was wanting to put marks of Lloth on everything and everyone’s souls and such.  Graffiti, who’d have thunk it?  Ended up loosing all of our earnings in order to get her to raise up Harrow without any trademarks or labels, and then he was able with the assistance of a scroll purchased from some male drow elf that the rest of the party knew…  At least, everyone was back up on their feet, albeit, with our wallets quite empty, and our spirits slightly down.

Since there’s no real night or day to go by down here, I can only say that it was after I made dinner for everyone did I get nabbed by Y’s and M’s mom, who promptly spirited me away from the rest of the party.  Two’s company and three’s an adult situation, so I won’t go into further detail other than to say, that if you’re ever interested in a female drow elf, you have to start with the great grandmother, the grandmother or the mother, depending upon just how old and still surviving the oldest female may be.  Like gnolls, they have a horrid habit/fascination with undead beings, thankfully, I only had to whore myself out to Y’s grandmom before I could sneak into Y’s room for the night.  Still playin’ with sharp objects, but at least it didn’t take as much convincing to get her to stop as it did the last time.